This is the week that was #51: The Blur

This week has been a blur. It’s blurred into last week, and the week before that. Most of the past month seems to have been a blur in fact: a blur of low sunlight and golden leaves, warm tears which I refuse to let escape; watching the skies change, watching my phone, watching the clock.

Sometimes you have good days and sometimes you have bad days. Most of the time, I think, you’re meant to just have in-betweenish sort of days. I don’t believe Happiness is a right. More of a privilege, a nice occasional treat, and one which visits now and then, like a nice Nan with loads of sweets and pocket money, or the ASOS delivery guy.

I struggle to recall good days. This might be depression or it might be bad memory. Might be both. When I can remember good things then I immediately feel sad or berate myself that I didn’t make the most of them or can’t recreate them or somehow for some reason that I won’t feel like that again. This is something I have to work on.

With troughs come peaks; that’s generally how it works isn’t it? I’m waiting for a peak. Not even a peak: just to get out of the trough. I don’t choose the time, the time chooses me. But it’ll come.

I’ve got a lot of work to do on myself. I’m always working on myself but apparently not very effectively. I’ve got more time now. In fact it feels like all I’ve got is time. And it’ll take some time to do all the soul searching I’ve got to do, all the repairs I’ve got to make. I want results right now but these things take time. I’ve already made plans but that’s my speciality – making plans – never seeing them through.

I listened to a podcast by a psychotherapist this week and he said something about using language like that – absolute language or something like that – and how it affects your belief in yourself. Self defeatist I think he might have described it. Anyway that’s something I’m going to work on very soon: changing the way I think about myself. So instead of saying I never see plans through I can say I love making plans and sometimes I action them and sometimes I don’t. Seems so much more positive already doesn’t it?

So anyway there’s my homework for the week – what’s yours?

Until next time, talk about yourself nicely

x

2 Comments

  1. October 19, 2018 / 3:28 pm

    I so relate to this; waiting to get out of the trough. It will come xx

    • Bella
      Author
      October 19, 2018 / 3:34 pm

      Thanks S. Feels better knowing someone understands. Strength to you, too x

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