‘Hands Off The Bump’, the t-shirts say. And while you’re at it, passing comment on pregnancy bumps in general should be considered out of bounds ’cause there’s just some things you don’t say to a hormonal woman and these are they…
Your bump is small
Doesn’t matter how you dress it up – “oh you’re all bump aren’t you”, or “your bump’s so neat” – what you’re really implying is I have shit genes or am a crackhead and my unborn child isn’t thriving. So don’t even think about exclaiming “ah, your bump’s tiiiiiny!”.
Your bump is big
Conversely, think twice before you utter the words “are you sure you’re not having twins?” to a mum-to-be whose bump isn’t so ‘neat’. What you’re really saying is I’m a hippo in a maxi dress and the placenta is probably made of trifle. So don’t even think about calling my bump “huuuuge“.
Have you got any stretchmarks?
Not sure it’s any of your business, but if you really want to ask personal bodily questions then allow me to tell you about my swollen vulva, my leaking nipples and the time I thought I’d lost my plug but it turned out just to be a rogue blob of Herbal Essences conditioner on the bathroom floor.
You’ll have to work hard to get your figure back
Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. Maybe I want to, maybe I don’t. Maybe, just maybe, you shouldn’t be arsed about my “figure” because I’m not Kate Middleton and you’re not a Daily Mail photographer.
Can I touch it?
No, piss off.